confessions from a first time momma

Today is the first day I have felt like myself in a while.  I'm not sure why, but the last couple of weeks have been kind of a struggle.  There are so many aspects of motherhood that you can't prepare for and no amounts of advice can cure.  Over the last couple weeks, I have had zero motivation... like ZERO.  While I have a list on my fridge to keep me on task, it has felt like I just go through the motions of living and every ounce of my life has just been locked up in a box somewhere.  It sounds super depressing now that I'm writing it, but I've been trying to force myself to realize that my role at home and in my family is to be consistent.  My whole life has been emotional ups and downs where I make decisions based on what I think or feel, but now I'm at a point where it doesn't matter how I "feel" because there are people depending on me.  The amount of stress I take on affects both the hubs and the little and I don't want them to struggle because of me.

This may seem so off the wall... consistency in motherhood, but as I look back, my mother was a perfect example of this.  As a little girl, I don't remember having an unusual childhood, although it was since my parents were divorced and my mom worked and went to school with two daughters at home.  We lived in a safe neighborhood, went to school, had friends, and got to play and watch cartoons.  But what I didn't see was the silent struggle that my mom faced on a day-to-day basis.  My mom was always consistent.  Every night my mom would make dinner and we would take time to eat with each other.  Even when she had papers to write and grade and bills to pay, she made us dinner.  That is my most cherished childhood memory.  I have always known that my mom loved me, but now that I have my own baby, I understand how deeply she loved me.  I raise my hat to her, because I know it was not as easy as she made it look.

Motherhood is a lonely road sometimes.  My days are filled with helping another human survive.  It's a strange concept... putting everything on hold for that tiny human.  I love it.  It's my greatest blessing.  But, times roll in where I sit back and think, where did I go and do people even think I'm important anymore?  And then I look at my little family and know that I am here and I am important to them.  Without me, they are nothing.  Without them, I am nothing.  I'm not trying to be fancy... I'm just trying to say that sometimes, as a mom, you will have doubts and stress {my nails are evidence of this}.  The greatest part of these doubts is you will be reminded, maybe in tiny ways, how important your role is as a mom.  Today, I was reminded.  Sadee sat on the floor playing with toys while we listened to music.  She loves music!  I was washing dishes and would look back at her, to which she would flash me her cheesy, toothless grin and squint her eyes.  She knows me and she knows just the smile that will brighten my day.  I just love her so!  
Soon I will get out of this rut... soon things that seem impossible now, will fall into place {like finding a job or finding time to work out} and when they do, my little family will still be here and I will continue to have the privilege of spending time with them and loving them.  

Perfection.

4 comments

  1. Oh if I only dared put my real thoughts and struggles into written word. We have very similar first time mommy struggles. Blah, sometimes life sucks. And sometimes it doesn't. Mommy hood sure is a roller coaster

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  2. What a DARLING little girl! It's good to know the real side of motherhood. I am a first grade teacher and I know that it's not a walk in the park being a parent. I can see having your own makes you willing to do anything for your cute human being! You write beautifully! :)
    -Bridgette
    http://bridgettenicole.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Bridgette! Being a mom is my greatest joy, even through hard times. Thanks for following along!

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