identity crisis manifesto

via pinterest {original source not found}

It's been a while since I have really felt like blogging.  I'm sure it fairly common, but it just feels weird for me.  This is my outlet and yet, there isn't really anything special going on.  Life is normal and each week is the same.  Which is great, and boring.  Really boring.  It's so uninspiring.

Over the last couple months I've slowly watched myself develop traits that are less than desirable.  Do you ever have times like that?  Where you literally see yourself going down a path and can't seem to turn around?  Talk about an out-of-body-experience!  Many aspects of my life have become so over-grown with anger and bitterness towards certain people and situations that I often feel unwanted and overlooked.  Because of this, my mind has decided that it's my ultimate responsibility and mission in life to make sure that people know me and understand me.  It's so selfish!  When you decide that people need to know you better, you sort of become this pushing, overbearing, outwardly expressive person that no one really wants to be around.  While there are a couple people {namely my mom, husband and sister} who can see through me and know what I'm really getting at, I have now become an extremely close-minded person, with little tolerance for other opinions, and small amounts of patience for those outside of my closest circles.  

Do you ever sit and have a conversation with someone and think, "Why are you telling them this?  It's unimportant information and rude."?  I feel this way often.  I feel like I share too many unimportant opinions and details of my life, without sharing my true heart.  When did I start hiding my real self?  It comes down to being scared.  I'm scared that no one will like the real me... a person who doesn't really care about politics or cars or animals... a person who loves mushy letters, close and loving relationships... a person who loves dedicating time for others, kicking back and talking, because it's healing... a person who has a kind heart, but has locked it away after years of emotional breaks and mean jokes... a person who loves to say "i love you", give hugs, and tell someone how much they mean to me, but has stopped, because of sarcastic comments and mean comments.  

It's hard to be yourself in a world that is constantly tearing you down.  In a world where it's foolish to love with all your heart, say how you feel, and express emotion.  Someone will always be there to tell you that you're wrong and that their opinion matters more than yours.  Essentially, it's hard to be real in a fake world filled with all the fluff and confetti that doesn't really matter.  It's hard to see the good in yourself when others, so willing, point out the bad.  It's also hard to see good in others when your mind is stuck on negativity.  Judgements and criticisms take over quickly! 

I want to do a better job at being the best "me" that I can.  I want to do better at biting my tongue when I know I should.  I want to do better at being more kind and thoughtful of others.  I want to care less about those who hurt me and more about those who love me.  I want to be positive and uplifting.  I want to slow down and be present in the life of my husband, my daughter, and my siblings.  I want to be more open and vulnerable to you - my readers.  That's always been my goal and how I've become so off track, I don't know.

Here's the hard part - how do you change someone's mind about you?  How do you prove to another person that you are good and kind?  That's the answer I need to figure out.  Doing better is the easy part, but knowing where to start... that's hard.

1 comment

  1. I get this, the subject and the feeling.

    As for the last question asked, you don't dwell on what other people think about you and your actions. It's hard, but necessary. As long as your living a Christ filled life, enjoying those things you love, with the people who matter the most....why do those other people even matter or count?

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