confessions from a first time momma

Motherhood has a unique and forceful way of making a woman redefine herself.  In many ways it happens in a matter of seconds, and in even more ways, it happens day-by-day for weeks, months, even years.  It happens in simple things - learning how to dress more practically, being okay with a night schedule that isn't always ideal, giving up weekend dates to be together as a family, figuring out eating, napping, and bath schedules.  It can all be overwhelming which makes it easy to get lost amongst the guessing game that is parenthood.  And if that isn't enough, there are a lot of other pressures too - lose weight, keep a clean home, never lose your patience, stay trendy, don't buy processed foods, don't let your kids watch TV, and the list goes on.

This is what I've been thinking about lately.  As I read back on a few blog posts of mine, it made me realize the lack of me.   I started by thinking about things that I love to do - organizing, photography, writing, cooking, baking.  At that point the realization came that I had just described basically every blogger out there, which made me feel rather un-special.  So, I started thinking about things that make me unique... couldn't think of anything.  {sigh}.

Which brings me back to redefining.  When I became a mother, I knew that life would never be the same, but it never occurred to me that I would never be the same - never would I look at life through the same eyes or love others in the same way.  Yes, the physical redefining is obvious and experienced almost immediately.  The emotional redefining is a constant transformation.  I've seen my greatest strengths and become overwhelm by my incredible weaknesses.  Nothing hides in motherhood, which can be so great or... not so great.  

This redefining process has been difficult for me lately {probably thanks to pregnancy hormones}.  I've felt happy and whole, but also empty and un-needed.  I've had mega highs and ultimate lows.  I think a lot of mothers feel that way - stuck in between the "you're doing so much good" and "you're doing everything wrong" where you never hear "good job" or "well done" and you just have to trust your mother instincts and pray a lot... like A LOT.  

That's when I realized that I have something that many people don't have.  Happiness and a genuine love for my life.  It's not perfect, but it's mine.  I may never be someone of influence or be well-known or important, but I am a vital part of my family unit.  I am needed.  I may continue to receive criticism for being so happy - but it's real life happiness that can't be taken away.   Everyday I will feel the ups and downs that motherhood has to offer, but at the end of the day, I'm happy being a mother and I'm happy being a wife.  Nothing can change that.

Here's to happiness!
and to Friday... two whole days spent, uninterrupted with my lovelies!  Heaven.

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