perfectly imperfect

Pretty sure I've written a post similar in content to what this will be.  Mostly because my feelings are cyclical - so forgive me if this is redundant.  You see, our last few days have been hard around here.  Not just normal hard, but hard-hard.  And as I think back on those days, I can remember just a few of the hard things we encountered - like a non-stop crying almost 3 month old and and tantrum throwing 2 year old.  Mostly I remember my negative attitude that welled up inside me, which caused feelings of guilt and inadequacy.  It's pretty normal to feel that as a mother - like you're never quite enough - but I acknowledge that no one really talks about it.  Maybe that realization hit me as hard days came, and everyone around me seemed to be perfectly happy and enjoying the summer with perfectly clean homes and dinner on the table and family outings, all while actually having time to blog about... and there I sat, counting down the minutes until my kids went to bed and feeling the overwhelming guilt of not wanting to clean, fold, or pick-up one single thing ever again.

That night, guilt sort of consumed me - guilt for wanting to have more time to myself, guilt for wanting to look perfect in my favorite swimsuit, guilt for wanting to find a babysitter to work on projects, guilt for being behind on budgeting, baby books, and laundry.  And then I realized that God would not want me to feel self-loathing or fragile.  So... I felt guilty for not praying enough, guilty for not reading my scriptures, guilty for not going to the temple - because if I had actually done those things then maybe the whole process could have been easier.

And I guess what I'd really like to say is that being a wife isn't easy or being a mother isn't easy or being a woman isn't easy.  But, in all honesty, being human isn't easy.  It takes work - daily work.  

Sometimes we have to taste the bitter to feel the joy.  
Most times we have to overcome fear to feel the freedom of love.

I spend a lot of time in this online space being afraid to share my unadulterated self - afraid that people won't like me, afraid that I'll complain to much, afraid that my thoughts aren't important.  Maybe you feel the same way?  Well my friends, don't be afraid to share it all - the good, the bad and the ugly.  This is real life people - and maybe someone out there needs to know that your life isn't a perfect ray of sunshine.  Mine certainly isn't - it's wonderfully difficult and that's exactly how it's supposed to be.  

So, here it is.  I'm Kelsey - wife to one, mother to two, who normally skips breakfast or eats on the run, who never remembers to drink enough water, who bites her nails and has stretch marks, who makes stir fry for dinner too often, who hates folding laundry, who has little patience and yells a lot, who hates nursing and loves it all in the same breath, who is afraid of potty training which equates to two children in diapers, who loves to wink at her husband and who loves her perfectly imperfect life.

Here's to imperfection.  Won't you join me?

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