wednesday + winter

A less appropriate, but more accurate name for this would be "Wednesday's Suck" - because they do. Or at least this Wednesday (today) does... and so have the prior two days. At some point in life I assumed that turning my life over to tiny little monsters called children, would eventually get easier. Not so. Every day is still hard and the reality that my life and every part of my body and time belongs to them is exhausting. What is it about some weeks being wildly more terrible than others? Toddlers have this sixth sense that wreaks all kinds of crazy on the most stressful of situations.

If there is anything I've learned,  it's that my ability to roll with the punches is about 0%. My goal here isn't to complain about my kids - no, it's that my attitude and ability to be flexible isn't up to par with where'd I'd like it to be. Amidst the tantrums and meltdowns of PJ's and arguments about meals, this momma says a few too many words that should never be said. If only my words could be more kind and loving and helpful, maybe then we would all have less meltdowns on a daily basis.

How do we, as parents, truly become better? How do we stop saying things we don't mean and respond with patience? How do we slow down and enjoy the little moments with our babies and really connect with them in a meaningful way? When it comes to these questions, no answers come to mind - it just feels overwhelming. The last couple of days I've literally wanted to run away and hide from the scary momma that shows up when the house isn't cleaned up, the laundry is piled high, the dishes aren't done, kids are cranky and there are about 100 things on the calendar. I'd like to think that we are good at keeping things organized, but goodness, the last couple of days just aren't working.

But, let me tell you what does work... the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've been holding fast to the ability we have to consistently repent - weekly, daily, hourly. Heaven knows it's a necessity in our lives. Every day I fall short of the person I'd like to be... Every. Single. Day.

"President Thomas S. Monson has taught, "One of God's greatest gifts to us 
is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." Even if we've 
been a conscious, deliberate sinner or have repeatedly faced failure and disappointment, 
the moment we decide to try again, the Atonement of Christ can help us. 
And we need to remember that it is not the Holy Ghost that tells us we're 
so far gone that we might as well give up."

Dale G. Renlund, April 2015 General Conference

There are days I look into the eyes of my 3 year old and know that I have caused her pain and hurt during the day. There are days when I know that my words have made her feel less than she should. Those are the days that I pray for the strength to overcome this weakness before I permanently damage her tenderness, her trust in me as her mother, her ability to express herself and her endless love to those around her. There are days I look into the eyes of my 1 year old and know that he's sad I didn't have time to play. There are days when I know that he didn't feel any amount of the love he deserved. Those are the days that I pray for the strength to become more tender so he knows how endlessly I love his curious little soul, that he may always know I'm there to help and guide him. This parenting thing is tricky, but it's good and grand and beautiful in the most perfectly imperfect way.

Here's to you my tired, hard-working momma's! We got this!
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